Another Decision of Mine

A counselor once told me that I had to trust my husband’s decisions because I wasn’t capable of making my own. I agreed with her, at the time, but ended up leaving my husband shortly afterward. I still don’t know, exactly, why I left him. I told myself it was because I wanted to be independent and now, I’m wondering if that meant that I wanted to prove the counselor wrong.

I feel I did a lot in the time that I was “on my own” but things are getting a bit hectic and my decision making isn’t working in my favor anymore. It wouldn’t be too bad if my choices only affected me but, they don’t.

Homeschooling a 12 year old and a 14 year old and getting ready to send a 5 year old to “regular school” while my husband and I live in different cities is very overwhelming. I’m not saying it’s impossible but I think I am saying that it’s not something I want to continue to make myself go through, on my own.

It’s nice having someone there to help with the daily things life throws at me and, not only that…I really miss having him around. He kept me grounded, gave me security, and is a wonderful father. That and I don’t want to, eventually, start all over with another man. I feel he knows me well enough to accept me the way I am and I don’t have to wait around to get approval from him. He knows about my illnesses and doesn’t judge me or treat me like I’m less than because of them. I feel that, regardless of all that happened while we were separated, he cares about me and my well being and it seems as though he really wants US to work.

As in most situations in my life….I have NO IDEA if deciding to get back with my husband is the right choice or not. All I know is that, for 14 years he was there through the ups and downs of my disorders and the only time he left my side was when I left him. Which, even then, he was watching over me through the sidelines.

I doubt that I will ever give him full decision making powers, as suggested by the counselor, but I will try to be more willing to listen to his point of view before making anymore drastic decisions on my own. For now, this is another decision of mine…we’ll see how it works out.